Leave me here...

Ping was in his bed, totally covered from his cover, curled up on himself. He wasn't sleeping, he didn't manage to sleep during the night nor during the whole day: when the sun had rised he was still awake. He could have raised, he would have done it usually, but now... what was the point? The physical pain was still strong, but he didn't feel it, what really hurted was the inside, his heart, his feelings, his honor, his pride... that animal had destroyed everything. He hadn't cried, but that was only a miserable consolation. What would have said his family? His mother? She would have been broke heart. And his father? Oh he could already see the shame in his eyes... he couldn't stand it... he felt lost... he didn't want to go outside, he didn't want to do anything...

Ping's train of thought was interrupted as Tulio quickly pulled away the cover from him.
He had a tiny, crooked smile remembering his recent time with Rose. That girl sure knew how to tease him.
His smile however, quickly disappeared once he saw the state Ping was in.
"Hey little soldier, what's wrong?" he asked as he sat down on the bed beside him.

He was surprised and his whole body freeze when the covered where pulled away from him, but he could breath again when he realized it was Tulio. He didn't even manage to listen him arriving... and he wasn't exactly in the right mood for... anything.
At his question he faked a little smile and, as convincent as he could, he replied
"I don't feel well today, i think i'll need some rest."

"Don't take me for an idiot boy," he said, hummering slightly, trying to brighten the mood.
"It's not physical pain that's bothering you. What is it? Did Megara break your heart..?" he asked softly though still keeping his smile, hoping it would bring some comfort to the poor boy.

'It's not physical pain that's bothering you'
AT those worlds he curled up on himself even more: why had he to be so simple to read? At his second question he replied a blank "No..."
No, it wasn't Meg... tough... thinking to Meg was painful... he wouldn't have been able to look her into her eyes never again...

"Are you going to tell me what's bothering you?" he asked in a more concerned, worried voice as he laid his hand on Ping's shoulder, trying to turn him around so he would at least look at him. He seemed like a child the way he was acting, this was no way for a real man to deal with pain.

Tulio actually managed to turn him, he was feeling even phisically weak in that moment... but he didn't give him neither the time to look him in the eyes, and slipped fastly away, down of the bed to raise up giving him his back: it seemed almost that the phisical contact annoyed him... "I... i don't wanna talk about it..."

"I get that you're hurting," he said, showing sympathy for the boy before he stood up from the bed.
"But you're a man. You have no business hiding under your covers like a child," he said with a sigh. He didn't mean to hurt Ping, but he should know, it was what he honestly meant.
Tulio turned to walk away before throwing one last glance at Ping.
"I'll be in the living room if you feel like talking."

His words hurted. A lot. But it wasn't his fault, Tulio was just saying the truth.
'I'm no man. I'm no man. I've tried, i've tried, but i can't be... it's pretending... i'm no man, i'm nothing...'
he couldn't help but think, but when the man turned to leave the room, he felt that he couldn't handle this alone... he turned and, without needing to walk, he took his wrist to stop him: he could keep going if he wanted
"Please... stay..."
he asked simply, but it seemed almost like he was begging him...
but he couldn't face him, he hoped badly that he wouldn't have turned... he didn't have to... right now he didn't feel to watch anybody in face, neither him...

Tulio turned to look at him surprised. What on earth had happened to him to make him like this?
"Only if you tell me what is going on," he said sternly, but sat back down on the bed.
How could Ping expect him to understand when he did not know?

At his phrase Ping turned his glance from him, hiding it again from Tulio's glance. How could he tell him? How could he tell it to anyone? He couldn't, he just couldn't!

"Look kid, you can't expect me to understand what I do not know," he said in a sigh and stood up, turning his back on the boy, ready to walk away once again.

"Please..." Ping couldn't help, he stopped him again
"I can't tell you."
he said in a moan, feeling a pain inside his heart too strong to be handled. After a second he slowly rested his forehead on his back "I can't tell you. I can't, i just... can't, i'm sorry... i can't..."
and while he was keeping say it, big tears started to ran down his cheeck, silent and painfully. He had never cried until his father started to train him. Cause real men don't cry. And he never did it. But now... now he saw... he wasn't a 'real man'...
In that moment, actually, he just seemed a child...
"Please don't turn..." he whispered ashamed: he didn't want to be seen in that way.

Tulio turned around and instantly hugged the boy. He seemed so fragile and delicate at that moment. Ping had always seemed a naive, innocent boy, but never had Tulio imagined he would ever act like this.
It filled his mind with worried thoughts. This wasn't nothing, something serious had happened.
He broke the hug rather quickly, not used to hugging other men.
"You better tell me what this is about later," he said smiling at him before he sat back down on the bed.

When Tulio turned and hugged him he was surprised, but he didn't do anything, he could only stay there, sobbing loud in his arms. Nodoby but his mother had ever hugged him... his sisters... his sisters tried everytime, but was most a game to embarass him that other... when he let him go, sitting again on the bed, Ping tried to recompose himself, but he still seemed only a child.
"If my father would see me now... he would be ashamed of me..." that was the most hurting thing he could think about, he, that had spent his whole life trying to make the parent proud...

Tulio smiled weakly at him. He couldn't say anything on that, it was true. Even Tulio was uncomfortable right then and there, he had never seen a grown man break down and cry like that. Never.
Wrapping an arm around Ping's shoulder he shook him gently, playfully.
"You need to stop thinking so much kiddo, isn't that what I always say?" he laughed.

He seat on the othe bed, his head in her hand and hos elbows on his legs "You can't get it, i've lost everything! My honor... is all gone! I will never be a part of the army again... I can't take it anymore... too many lies... only lies..."
It was a real break down, he was a broken man, and he wasn't even realizing what he was saying anymore...

Tulio shook him again, not as playfully this time, but to make him calm down.
"Listen to me kid. Pride is nothing. Honor is nothing. It's a word, a symbol, a title with no meaning. Honor is a word, nothing else. Stop acting like it means the world," he said a bit too harshly. He didn't know what things were like in China, where Ping came from, but in his vocabulary honor wasn't even a word. It didn't exist.
"There are far more important things in life. Love, life, you won't find any of that in honor."

Ping looked at him surprised when he shook him, but at his words he shacked his head "Pride and honor were everything to me: love and life... are nothing to be! There's no place in my life for love, and my life is ready to be sacrificed for what i believe in. This is my life! Only pride and honor! WIthout it... i'm nothing!"

"In that case you were already nothing," Tulio said, far too harsh and cold.
How could he even say that? If pride and honor was all he lived by, if he only did what his family wanted him to, how could he even consider himself to be living? He was existing, not living.
"You're funny kid. You're cute, and kind, helpful, smart, strong... how can you consider that nothing?! That is who you are, and that is worth far more than honor can ever give you. You need to live a bit, not just exist."
Tulio could feel himself growing mad, even if he tried to keep it in.

He was right. Deep inside Ping had always known it. He had sacrificed his whole life to his father's ideas, he had never lived for himself. But it was too late to change, he was what it was... and now neither it...
"Please... stop... is just... too much, already..." he replied without looking at him, he wasn't crying anymore but he really seemed a broken man.
Suddenly, in the most inopportune moment, his belly growled: he had eat nothing from the day before...

He stood up sighing, trying to shake his anger.
"I'll go get you some food," he said flatly, hoping a little walk could clear his head and calm him down.
He was gone before Ping even had the time to stop him.

Ping neither looked at him when he went away, he just listened his footsteps walk away and then the door closing. His glance started to cross the room while he was thinking: Tulio couldn't understand. Family and duty, honor and pride, that were the only good things of his life then beside it was only a lie... he had lied to much to had believed to his own lie... he had trusted his father, he had became a soldier, a captain... but he wasn't a man... he wasn't... all he had done... all in his whole life... was wrong and insane... And he couldn't come back... See his father happy and proud of him had been his only joy, and he loved his father... the idea to break his heart in that way hurted him deeply... but what could have he done? Suddenly his glance stopped on his lance...
It wasn't his sword, sure, and that could be a little less honorable, but... at that point...
that was the most honorable think to do...
he raised from the bed, took the lance and kneeled in the center of the room, pointing the lance to his belly
"Forgive me father..."
a single tear crossed again his cheek. He had never thought to die in that way...
He raised the lance, ready to stick it in his own stomach...

"I hope you like a-" Tulio said cheerfully as he opened the door with a plate of apples.
He was interrupted by the horrible sight of Ping about to kill himself, and without thinking he quickly lunged forward, ripping the lance out of Ping's hands and tossing it across the room. Never had he been so angry.
He grabbed Ping's collar and pulled him to his feet before shoving him against the wall.
"ARE YOU A COMPLETE MORON?!" he yelled loudly, unable to control his anger this time.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?!" he kept yelling, his face only two inches away from Ping's.

When Tulio took away the lance from him, he opened wide his eyes, too surprised to think: in his country no men had tried to stop him! He was still to surprised to react when the man put him on his feet and against the wall, but when he started to yell, he got angry himself
"I'M DOING THE ONLY THING THAT A MAN IN MY CONDITION CAN DO!"
he yelled back to him "Is the last honorable thing that a man with nothing more can do! I can't leave with this weight, i prefer to die instead!"
He didn't realized it, but Tulio had actually been able to take a reaction out of him...